Not so Fast & Furious: Family is NOT everything.
Being alive in the 20th and 21st century, the very unit, Family, that we are born into has morphed and transformed with our changing world, that I would like to tackle this term FAMILY, and what it means to me today.
I laughed when I see characters in the movie would kill over a dead/hurt family member, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. REALLY? NO QUESTIONS ASKED?!
During my parents’ generation, FAMILY is like a tribe of minimum 100+ people you could call by first name basis and write up a whole family tree without a blink of an eye. Today I have trouble remembering names of my extended family and I can barely remember the status of my current relationship with my siblings. So yes, I have introduced FAMILY= PARENTS +SIBLINGS.
A nuclear family culture is a recent phenomenon. With (assumed) improving economic situations, we no longer rely on extended family for tough times, we have banks, credit cards and social securities to survive and secure our futures. Well it depends which country you are in and how far along this economic stability has been in the family.
When I left home and my family to further my studies, I was the trailblazer: there was an unspoken rule of what I had to do — to explore different cultures and possibilities and pave ways for my three younger siblings to finish their studies. I did not contextualize my dad’s words when he said, “ I have no money for your education.” NO QUESTIONS ASKED. I just took it to heart since both my parents grew up in the village, since I am the first to go to college, things had to happen a certain way. My talent and bright minds alone will suffice.
My calls home were full of stories that are deemed exciting, new and relevant for my growing siblings: love, heartbreak, culture shocks, applications, volunteering, service. It was pretty much a one way street of me feeding ‘new ideas’ into my family’s system, while I assumed everything stayed the same at home.
While concocting up a university-entrance formula, I dreamt big like the rest of my peers and money didn’t seem to be a deterrent. I told myself, “There will be jobs on campus.” “ We can take out loans.” Years later, I realized I had the slightest understanding of the concept of money. I just took my parents’ understanding of money as my own, even if they live by two drastically different concepts. Simply put, my mom is the oldest of eight and her father was a farmer, she was instructed to be a breadwinner, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. My father on the other hand is the only son, and he had the highest education compared to his two sisters, and he left for the city with odd jobs and gigs, has always own the latest cars and gadgets when he visits the village and started collecting art in his early twenties. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
In my lifetime, I lived through two global financial crises (three if you count the one that is about to erupt now). During the first financial crisis, I was ten years old, all I knew was the stock market crashed, and overnight, the Harley Davison super bike and Pajero were gone. My dad lost his company. My mom insisted that our lives should stay the same, meaning that we would still attend ballet classes, take art classes and hangout with friends. But her savings basically bailed my father out from debts. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. They never invested (or the word they use ‘ gambled’) in the stock market again.
Amidst the second financial crisis, my sister and I were finishing college in the states with handsome financial aid packages, and my youngest sister was applying to college. She was admitted to two US liberal art colleges, but the financial aid packages offered were significantly smaller than the ones we received, and there were simply no other way for her to further her studies in the states without the money. The plan B, which was last-minute, became plan A, she received a full-ride to study at a liberal arts college in Taiwan. But the resentment lingered for a year or two. My husband who I was still dating at the time, opted for grad school during the difficult time. There were no jobs, and we needed visas to remain in the country. He almost took out a huge loan for a Masters, but ultimately decided that he shouldn’t take out loans when he could do a PhD for ‘free’ (by being a cheap labor to institutions).
When my peers graduated and start chasing after the money, my husband and I looked away and chased ‘THE AMERICAN DREAM’ instead. I can hone my artistic talents as he finishes his studies, soon enough we will settle in a nice university town and have a nice income, jobs and become permanent residents. We got married two years into his graduate studies, and our parents paid for our weddings. NO QUESTION ASKED. We worked really hard to live up to the brand god knows who created — the talented artist and the young professor.
At this point you may start wondering, where is the DRAMA?
Are you kidding? The DRAMA happens after every ‘NO QUESTIONS ASKED’.
Where do we direct the resentments, sacrifices, trauma of lost, stress, and life challenges that came our way during all those financial crisis caused by entity larger than us that is beyond our control?
When my dad learned of my admission to college with scholarships, he equated it with winning a lottery ticket and thought that like his peers who migrated to America, I would be starting a business in no time and the cash would start flowing back. Little did he know that his plan will never work, because I was ‘brainwashed’ by college to follow my passions and hone my intellectual mind above everything else. Nor did he communicate his expectations of his four children ‘giving back’ before we took off.
In my adulthood, I wonder if the action/reaction that came from NO QUESTIONS ASKED is the right one. When we give a helping hand to others, do we really expect nothing in return? If you truly expect nothing in return, why is there resentment years later?
Whether it is my mom who lives only for the rainy days, or my dad who spends on credit because of the presumptive good days, there’s a lack of education about money all our lives and we are now paying a hefty price for our slow development. I never learnt about investment because it was equated to the stock market crash. There is generational trauma over money and poverty in my family history that up till this generation has still not been confronted and ironed out rationally. As an offspring, I could not decide if I am here to survive (make money and bring money home, no questions asked) or to thrive (build wealth, ask many questions) without being guilt-tripped passive aggressively.
The third imminent financial crisis — my sister following me is planning for her wedding; My husband and I after 10+ years of student life just settled in state-side with two jobs and a nice rental apartment with plenty of debt to repay; my youngest sister is finishing up a job with a company that is ‘fleeing from the virus’; my baby brother just got fired and rehired less than a year after graduation; My dad just told me the true cost of my wedding 6 years ago ‘in passing’ and my mom moans about her ‘few’ remaining years on earth. I wonder what my parents are insinuating after all these years of NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
With NO QUESTION ASKED —
in a family where women are the majority,
we couldn’t address machoism,
ego above everything else,
With NO QUESTION ASKED —
We can’t set up a system of collective responsibility
but only assume individual responsibilities.
With NO QUESTION ASKED —
We can’t do sensible brainstorming
but to storm off the room every time we are hurt.
With NO QUESTION ASKED —
We can’t identify triggers to the individual traumas
nor can we respect our individual experience as adult
along with our personal relationship with money.
So I WANT TO ASK, are we as a family ready to ASK QUESTIONS?
