Looking at my 2020 entry on my pre-pandemic trip to Kenya, I am shocked at the similar frustrations I am feeling now, still me but 4 years later, with a new title of mom to a very cheeky 2 years old.

I couldn’t start panning out my new year resolution and plans without recapping my ‘pent up energy’ as described by my life coach. No, I wasn’t feeling sad for feeling numb at my my mother-in-law’s disapproval of my brother-in-law’s being a 20 something young lad having fun with his edgy pals. No, I did have time to paint; No, I wasn’t unhappy when I cooked for 30 extended family members during Christmas Eve. Yes, I did rolled my eyes a little bit.

Years and years of training to refocus energy to what sparks joy does mean that I know when my energy is not spent in the right place. There is a limit to giving and being generous that when I overdo it, it starts to get draining and mentally exhausting. A year of saving up to fly back home, just to then devote my energy to being of service to causes that were not mine. Most of the time, the cause is a party, a gathering, a Thanksgiving, even my own wedding. Being minimized to a role to play, instead of insisting on my own wish and desire to rest and relax is a constant theme being in this family, I noticed.

I usually end up giving in because it is a prideful thing to [be able to] please the parents. Let them have the big wedding, who cares about what we want as a couple? Let them enjoy time with their granddaughter, who cares about potty training and limited screen time? Let them host a swarm of families, who cares if we don’t even talk ever? Let them pray for our continuous “success” and expansion of family, who cares if they are intruding our privacy the eve of our departure?

What my in-laws crave, I found, is the ‘eventfulness’ of things, what is the fun of an uneventful silence that is a soulful meditation in the vast Savannah? If I cannot change them, how can they also not change my mind? Can I start insisting on a trip that is just about recuperation? Can I insist on my family not being the spectacle or an excuse to call for an audience? Can I go after my own cravings of good food, good art, good music, searched for a good spa experience, chit chat with good friends, after a whole year of slaving myself away at work? Can excusing myself from participation not be viewed as disrespectful or being selfish?

I wish that our family’s future homecoming is not an event, not a duty to reunite separated grandparents to grandchildren, and definitely not an excuse to put on a show. As much as I love praises growing up (my mother will not let me forget that), I really do not wish for a crowd during my vacation to sing me prayers and praises for doing well. I know I am doing well, now leave me alone!